Thursday, March 8

Nine-Step Program

Number Ten reported that my sandwich was "good." Not very good, not not-so-good, but good. (Later the anthrax kicked in, but not before Ten got in a few more jabs about my shoe size.) I'm feeling much more sandwich-confident, so much so that I will now provide the recipe.

1. Toast two pieces of multi-grain bread. Monitor the bread, removing it only when it is golden brown at its center.
2. If you suffer from OCD, unplug the toaster.
3. With a clean knife, apply a 1 cm layer of small-curd cottage cheese to one slice of bread. Do not spread hastily! Do not leave gaps! Do not rush this, people!
4. Procure a new knife. Apply a .75 cm layer of a berry jam on top of the cottage cheese layer. Do not allow the two layers to mix. (If you decide to instead apply the jam to the second slice of bread, please note that I don't know what you're making, but it's not my sandwich.)
5. If you suffer from OCD, check to see that you've unplugged the toaster.
6. Using careful alignment, place the second slice of bread atop the berry layer.
7. Cut the sandwich diagonally.
8. Enjoy! And remember to keep the North fruity and the South white.
9. That doesn't sound right at all.

Agent Yellow has become co-commissioner of Burlington's infamous kickball league. (Wait, I'm nerdy?) She will participate, too, and I intend to become her biggest fan. How that manifests itself is yet to be seen. Follow her around? Mimic her mannerisms and figures of speech? Make up cheers and songs about her? See, I do all of that already.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Did you unplug the toaster? I mean, would you mind just checking, please.

Anonymous said...

EFC,

I know that everyone struggles with their self-esteem at some point in their life and sometimes we need to lash out at people we love, but is it really necessary to do so to your nearest and dearest(geographically speaking, of course)? I thought we were more than a landlord/lessee relationship, more than just roommates. . .I thought that we may have been friends, comrades, amigos, perhaps even bosom buddies. . .
Do friends do this to one another? Do they insult their confidants in public forums with no regard for the emotional fallout that their lose tongues and loose statements may create? Do they really go so far as to imply that someone as hip as I am is, dare I even speak the word, "nerdy"?
Back home, south of the Mason-Dixon line, it would simply be unheard of to do such a thing, but maybe this frigid New England tundra changes people . . .
They thought 0 K was unattainable, honeybabychild, well they were mistaken 'cause you are living one door down from it; that's how freakin' sweet I am.
Matter stops dead in its tracks to take notice of my mind-shattering coolness.
And just to drive the point home, I would like to point out that my mere existence stops molecules, dude.
If you were jealous, all you have to do is ask for a spot on the team. As co-comish, I'd be more than willing to pull a few strings for you.


yellow out

Faith said...

Ooh, that sounds a lot like the cream cheese and jelly sandwiches my mom tried to get me to eat as a small child. Unfortunately for her, and for you, I believe that dairy products and fruit products belong at a safe distance apart, with the exceptions of a)yogurt and b)a brie and apple sandwich. Still, I acknowledge that, when made by you, the sandwich is probably very delicious. What is it about cottage cheese that inspires weird pairings? cottage cheese and pepper, anyone? Christ Jesus I miss margie sometimes.

KB said...

MMMMMMM sounds delicious. Hi, EFC, it's KB. I have a blog now too! livingwithparadox. As I always have, since the days of your weekly column, I find your writing very entertaining. And Faith, it was ME who brought pepper and cottage cheese to the table (courtesy of my mother). Margie-poo was just copyin' me.

KB said...

oh, and YAY for unplugging the toaster between uses! If I could only get my roommates to do such things...

Faith said...

Fuck! I have misappropriated the source of the cottage cheese and pepper! My apologies. Why are we unplugging our toasters? Is it an energy thing?

Anonymous said...

Speaking as one afflicted, the unplugging the toaster thing is due to an obsessive loop the gets turned on in your brain when you think the toaster could be plugged in and if it's plugged in, then it could be on and if it is on, then there could be something in it cooking, and if there is something cooking, then eventually there will be something burning, and obviously if there is an item in the toaster burning then at some point in the near future there will be flames bursting forth from the toaster and those flames will feed on your unsuspecting toast until they begin to lick the walls of your cabinets and your cabinets will slowly begin to singe and then they will heat to the point that they burst into flame. The flames will then spread from cabinet to drapes, from drapes to walls, from the walls to your pile of gasoline soaked rags that you meant to pick up the other day but just couldn't find the time, from rags to the ceiling, and before you know it, an attempt to make EFC's sandwich has left you alone in the cold, standing in a towel and some worn Old Navy flip-flops while you watch the local fire department attempt to at least save the foundation of your once glorious apartment and your once fruitful life. A similar thing tends to happen with coffee pots and space heaters. . .

Anonymous said...

Ya'll should try cottage cheese and ripe creole tomatoes. It is divine!

Anonymous said...

How are we spelling y'all, now?

Anonymous said...

Although I believe you about the tomatoes. Wait, how are we spelling tomatoes now?

Anonymous said...

wait, i want to know where we all can get ripe creole tomatoes. and also, anonymous 3/09/07 at 9:24 a.m., you are like my long lost twin. allow me to introduce myself, i'm 3/10/07 at 6:14 p.m., but my friends call me anonymous...

Anonymous said...

ripe creole tomatoes come straight from Louisiana. sorry for not making that clear earlier.

EnoughFigCookies said...

Today I learned that a blogger can really have no idea about what is going to become her most commented upon post ever.