Yesterday my mom informed me that if I didn't post to my blog I was going to be in trouble. This is a threat which she can actually carry out since I will be flying home in 1 week. So here I am. Hello.
I haven't updated because I haven't had anything particularly amusing or happy to write. (And I've been very busy.) Actually, I've been feeling some ambivalence about my chosen career path, and since it's rare for anyone in medicine to admit to weakness or error, it's an emotion I've been dealing with pretty much alone.
There are very few happy people in a hospital. It's pretty much by definition a place that people don't want to go to. You walk by people crying every day, so often that you hardly even notice them anymore. There's a breakdown of politeness which is precipitated, I imagine, by people being overworked and not seeing enough sunlight. People are rude to each other. You feel your personality changing. Your friends, without realizing it, try to show you up and you, without realizing it, return the favor. The image you had of healing and understanding and helping seems naive. Your day is frantic. Every minute you spend with a patient is a minute you're not using to climb the mountain of paperwork that's waiting for you. If your patients talk too slowly or are too anecdotal you resent it. And, if you're me (I), you feel inferior, self-centered, wrong, and stupid all day long.
I'm going to wrap up my day off by reading the Saturday paper and doing the crossword, so that's happy-making. I'll see Ten in 6 days and my parents in 7 days and TBF in 8 days, and that's very happy-making. And I'm alive and healthy and, as my dad says, it's not raining shit, so things are going okay all in all.
In other news, The Green Zone is skippable. David Boies vs Tony Perkins is more entertaining.
It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "try to be a little kinder." -Aldous Huxley, novelist (1894-1963) (His brother was a neurophysiologist.)